My beautiful children...no words needed.

Time to GET REAL.

I've had it. This weight has GOT to come off. I've been trying, but not as faithfully as I could have been. I've had so many "last straws" that I'd have to buy another flippin' PACK of straws to start over. Most recently, my son has inadvertently said some things that hurt my heart about my weight, and here's the kicker: We went to a Nashville Sounds (minor league) baseball game last Friday, and when I went to sit down, I barely fit in the chair. I mean, it was SNUG. At some points, I even had to turn sideways a little bit because it was hurting my sides. This is UNACCEPTABLE. Yeah yeah, I just had a baby...7 months ago.

People: "Oh Allison, you look GREAT!"; "You just had a baby, cut yourself some slack!"

No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!!!

In no way, shape, form, or fashion, is it "okay" for me to "cut myself some slack".

I do NOT look great, I do not FEEL great, and most importantly, I'm not healthy. I'm tired all of the time, sluggish, and I seem to get sick at the drop of a hat. Granted, a lot of that is sinus and allergy problems, but still.

My dad has diabetes: I do not want that.
I have sleep apnea: I do not want that.
I have a family history of strokes and heart attacks: I do not want that.
One in three kids born in 2010 will develop diabetes: I do not want that.

I have to set an example for my children, as well as my husband and my family. How can I expect them to take care of themselves when I am not taking care of myself? My addiction to emotional eating has got to stop. I know I've been stressed to the max lately, but I should turn to God, not food.

Here's the plan. Starting eating less and moving more. I don't need near the portion sizes I think I do. I'm not breastfeeding anymore, so I need to quit eating like it. I'm also going to start taking the kids for a walk every night before or after dinner. (Preferably before, but since I'M the one who cooks in my house, that can be tricky. Especially since I have to make sure Ava gets to bed on time.)

So, ask me if I walked or worked out. Ask me what I had to eat that day. Hold me accountable. And by no means, don't tell me I look great. Tell me that you're proud of me for trying so hard, and for taking it day by day. I need encouragement, not sugar coating.

Right? Thanks for listening to my incessant babbling. It's just high time I got real.

Warning: You. Will. Cry.

This is a dance from one of my favorite shows, "So You Think You Can Dance". This brought me to tears, and I wanted to share it with you. It makes you think about how precious life is, and how much family (and friends) mean to you. Aunt Betty, this is dedicated to you.

In your eyes, little girl...

In your eyes, I see a smile. A sparkling, laughing, running down the stairs on Christmas morning smile. When you wake up in the morning and I go to your crib, the first thing I see when I look in are two little hands peeking out from behind your blanket, and those eyes. And they are definitely smiling.

I see life. Your Papa and I created the life that's a part of you now, and God has blessed it. It's the greatest gift.

I see the ocean. They are such a brilliant blue, it transports me to a place that I feel most comfortable. I feel as if I could just float away in a current that is so rapid yet calming at the same time.

I see safety. As if when I look at you, I'm entrapped in the circle that is your world, and as long as I'm fixed on your baby blues, nothing can touch me.

I see family. I see your big brother, your Papa, and me. The best family that I could have ever hoped and prayed for. Boy, does He answer prayers.

I see health. You're such a vibrant little thing, and your eyes are the most transparent part of you. They let me know when you're feeling 110%, and when you feel so rotten that all you want to do is cuddle up with your mommy and waste the day away.

I see truth. If eyes are windows to the soul, yours sure paint a pretty picture down there. There's no lying with your eyes, they let me know exactly who you are, and what you're all about.

I see love. I never knew just how much I could love another human being until your brother, your Papa, and you, came along. When I look into your eyes, my heart narrowly bursts out of my chest, and I can barely contain my emotions. I love you so much.

Life just wouldn't be complete without you, Ava Layne.

Who am I?

*Disclaimer: I'm all over the place on this post*

Have you ever struggled with who you are? Even as an adult?

I mean, I have a pretty darn good idea who I am. But there are so many facets to me, and to my personality, that I struggle sometimes to find my niche, per se.

I'm a wife, mommy, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and a daughter-in-law. I love:

• Everything to do with Maui (and Hawai'i in general)
• Dancing (and dance shows, movies, etc.)
• Acting (it was my major before I got married to Ryan's father )
• Singing (still sing in the car and to Ava, but not on a big stage like I used to)
• Scuba Diving (only been a handful of times, but I absolutely could live underwater)
• Being a Mommy. (There's nothing like it in the world, and no other job I'd rather have (even though unfortunately I do have a different one)
• Jewelry. I constantly have a "new favorite necklace" that I swear that I will wear everyday, like a heroine in a book series I read where she says she will be "known as the 'girl with the charm bracelet' or the 'girl with the horseshoe necklace', etc." Does anyone really have a signature piece, or is that just in a book? HA.
• Reading. I often find myself lost in a book.
• GOD. He is the center of my life, and every decision I make. Granted, I don't always make the right ones, but he loves me anyways, and that's pretty darn amazing.

And the list goes on and on. It seems as though no matter how many things I love or want to be involved in, I don't partake in any of them. Life just kind of floats by. I mean, sheesh, my daughter is already almost seven months old....how does THAT happen?

I guess my reason for this post is because of the massive amount of soul searching I've done lately. Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Is this God's will for my life? Is He going to, or as He already, taken the gifts that he so generously gave me? (Singing, Dancing, Acting) Is it "use them or lose them"?

There's so many things that I struggle with. My weight being one of the main ones. Sometimes I wonder, "Am I destined to be the 'fat friend' or the 'fat sister' for the rest of my life?" The thing is, before I look in the mirror, I feel like a skinny person trapped in a bigger body. (I suppose this feeling dates back to when I actually WAS a skinny kid. Until Vanderbilt Hospital happened. But that's another story.) Then I look in the mirror, and see this obese woman who is so obviously unhappy with the way she looks and feels. If I can't even feel comfortable in my own body, what makes me think I can comfortable with anything else?

That's another time when I ask myself, "Really, who am I?"

This will be an ongoing, tumultuous journey that won't be wrapped up in a day. I think everyone is so many people wrapped up into one, it's hard to find that balance. All we can do is go with it. And pray. We can't fix ourselves, only He can.

I'll leave you with a verse that was given to me by a dear friend during my pregnancy with Ava:

Philippians 4:6-7


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

The Tooth Fairy's Impending Visit

Yes, you saw that right.

The Tooth Fairy will be coming to my house soon.....Ryan has his first loose tooth.

I found this out last night at my sister Emily's going away dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. So there I am, enjoying seeing my family, and talking to a cooing Ava, when lo and behold, Ryan blurts out, "My tooth hurts!" He comes over to where I'm sitting, and wouldn't you know it, that darn baby tooth wiggled. It wiggled.

As if I didn't have enough to deal with: my sister moving to Hawai'i, the stuff with Ryan's father that I'm dealing with (long story, and NOT for a blog), the comments Ryan has made about my weight, the overtime I've been racking up at work, and having to leave my precious baby all day while I work. I'm already having a hard time seeing Ava grow up, but now this? I pretty much wanted to bawl right there in the restaurant.

How could this be happening? It's a milestone, and one that I am totally unprepared for. Does that mean my son will lose his first tooth as my daughter is cutting her first one?

This is such an exciting time in my kids' lives, but such a sad one in mine...

What? No Way.

Oh. My. Gosh. First grade. How is this possible?!

Big Time Wake-up Call

So last night Ryan said something in passing about my weight (I can't bring myself to post it, it's too hurtful) and it was a real wake up call. What I put in my mouth and my lack of exercise since having Ava is really affecting not only me, but my son. Stephen loves me no matter what, but kids are another story. I know that my kids love me no matter what, but they lack filters at a young age. So they say whatever comes to their mind. And it's usually the cold hard truth. I'm putting this out there for one reason and one reason only:


Accountability.


I need my family and my friends to hold me accountable for what I put in my mouth and the activity I do. (or don't do) I was a boot camp fanatic before getting pregnant, and just this morning I was thinking about how I had begun to look at myself as an athlete and a real fitness fanatic before finding out that I was having Ava. All that has vanished now. I look at myself in the mirror, and I don't like what I see. I try not to look in the mirror now, and that's sad. I'm ready to get back to the old me, the me that is inside the me now. I feel like I'm trapped in a body that isn't mine. I hate it, and it isn't me. But guess what? The only person who can change me is ME. I will just welcome some help along the way...

What a Beauty...

You're welcome. This smile will make your day for sure. It did mine!

Today's Ryan-ism

Ok, so I know I've done a lot of these, but he's so funny lately!

______________

We were watching "Minute to Win It" last night on our DVR, and this guys was talking about how much he appreciated his mom.

Me: "Awww, Ryan, are going to be like that when you get older?"

Ryan: (looking puzzled) "I'm not going to see you when I get older and marry somebody else!"

HAHAHAHAHA

Somebody else? Who's he married to now?! :) I made sure to tell him that he was going to see me when he got older and married "somebody else". At least he better or I don't know what I'd do with myself!

I swear my kid is the funniest kid on the planet. Just wait till Ava starts talking.

Today's Ryan-ism

So last night, Ryan and I were sitting in the living room talking and playing around, and Ryan was snuggling up against me like a little puppy does. I told him as such, and then he licked me!

Me: "Eww, Ryan! Don't lick me!"

Ryan: "That's what doggies do! And you're a tasty treat!"

Bahahaha.

To go fresh, or to go frozen....for lunch.

So my amazingly fabulous friend Michelle (yes, it's true, but that was to make her day brighter) has started packing her lunch this week, in an effort to save $$ but to eat healthier as well. And that got me thinking about my lunch choices. Well, 9 times out of 10 I do bring my lunch from home. Sometimes I go to Chick-fil-A for their Chargrill Chicken Sandwich and side salad (yum!) or Subway. Most of the time though, I eat from home.

Which brings me to my topic: Fresh vs. Frozen.

It's not secret that I'm doing Weight Watchers (albeit not very well lately for some reason) and it's easier to bring a frozen dinner that I can pop in the microwave and enjoy. Some of them are quite good! But, they can contain loads of sodium. And what woman wants to be bloated more than they already are? Fresh lunches such as salads and sandwiches, and leftovers are yummy, but can be time consuming and expensive.

Why does eating healthy have to cost so darn much?

What do you take for lunch, or do you go out to eat every day?

Today's Ryan-ism

So I'm feeding Ava in my room while sitting on my bed with the Boppy pillow, watching According to Jim, which was on my DVR. Ryan walks in the room.

Ryan: "Um, I'd like to stay, but I don't know if children are allowed to watch that." (points to TV)

I just about died laughing.

Accidental Sabbatical

I didn't mean to take one while I was on vacation. I kept both of the kids with me at home last week, and things got busy and crazy! I didn't get everything on my list done, but I got most! Here's what we did:

• Went swimming (Ava did great!)
• Went to lunch with some great friends on a few different days. (It was great for Angie and Crystal to get to meet Ava, and Michelle got to see me get frustrated with Ryan.Sorry about that Michelle.)
• Took Ryan to a free summer movie at the local theatre. It was fun up until he said his stomach hurt, and we had to leave. I still don't know how "The Tale of Despereaux" ends...anyone want to enlighten me? (yes, I was into it)
• Took Ava to her 6 month check up and shots. Boo. I hate when she gets shots. We stayed home the rest of that day, and we just cuddled.
• Went to breakfast with my mom, two of my three sisters, Ava, and Ryan. I just love me some Cracker Barrel....oh yes, and my family.
• Got my hair highlighted and went shopping for my 10 year high school reunion that was on Saturday night. (that's a whole different blog)
• Let Ryan host a sleepover for one of his friends. That was interesting.
• Washed Ava's 6-9 month clothes that we got to borrow from her cousin (and my niece) Maeve. I love little girls clothes with a passion.
• Spent some good quality time with my kids. Even though Ryan drove me bananas by week's end, it was SO worth it.

So the only thing I didn't do was take Ava for her 6 month pictures. I might do that this coming weekend, or next Wednesday when I'm OFF!

There are some more Ryan-isms coming your way, he was full of the funny this past week. Look out.

Oh yeah, and I'm back. No more disappearing....

Until next vacation :)