My beautiful children...no words needed.

Time to GET REAL.

I've had it. This weight has GOT to come off. I've been trying, but not as faithfully as I could have been. I've had so many "last straws" that I'd have to buy another flippin' PACK of straws to start over. Most recently, my son has inadvertently said some things that hurt my heart about my weight, and here's the kicker: We went to a Nashville Sounds (minor league) baseball game last Friday, and when I went to sit down, I barely fit in the chair. I mean, it was SNUG. At some points, I even had to turn sideways a little bit because it was hurting my sides. This is UNACCEPTABLE. Yeah yeah, I just had a baby...7 months ago.

People: "Oh Allison, you look GREAT!"; "You just had a baby, cut yourself some slack!"

No. No. No. No. No. NO!!!!!

In no way, shape, form, or fashion, is it "okay" for me to "cut myself some slack".

I do NOT look great, I do not FEEL great, and most importantly, I'm not healthy. I'm tired all of the time, sluggish, and I seem to get sick at the drop of a hat. Granted, a lot of that is sinus and allergy problems, but still.

My dad has diabetes: I do not want that.
I have sleep apnea: I do not want that.
I have a family history of strokes and heart attacks: I do not want that.
One in three kids born in 2010 will develop diabetes: I do not want that.

I have to set an example for my children, as well as my husband and my family. How can I expect them to take care of themselves when I am not taking care of myself? My addiction to emotional eating has got to stop. I know I've been stressed to the max lately, but I should turn to God, not food.

Here's the plan. Starting eating less and moving more. I don't need near the portion sizes I think I do. I'm not breastfeeding anymore, so I need to quit eating like it. I'm also going to start taking the kids for a walk every night before or after dinner. (Preferably before, but since I'M the one who cooks in my house, that can be tricky. Especially since I have to make sure Ava gets to bed on time.)

So, ask me if I walked or worked out. Ask me what I had to eat that day. Hold me accountable. And by no means, don't tell me I look great. Tell me that you're proud of me for trying so hard, and for taking it day by day. I need encouragement, not sugar coating.

Right? Thanks for listening to my incessant babbling. It's just high time I got real.

Warning: You. Will. Cry.

This is a dance from one of my favorite shows, "So You Think You Can Dance". This brought me to tears, and I wanted to share it with you. It makes you think about how precious life is, and how much family (and friends) mean to you. Aunt Betty, this is dedicated to you.

In your eyes, little girl...

In your eyes, I see a smile. A sparkling, laughing, running down the stairs on Christmas morning smile. When you wake up in the morning and I go to your crib, the first thing I see when I look in are two little hands peeking out from behind your blanket, and those eyes. And they are definitely smiling.

I see life. Your Papa and I created the life that's a part of you now, and God has blessed it. It's the greatest gift.

I see the ocean. They are such a brilliant blue, it transports me to a place that I feel most comfortable. I feel as if I could just float away in a current that is so rapid yet calming at the same time.

I see safety. As if when I look at you, I'm entrapped in the circle that is your world, and as long as I'm fixed on your baby blues, nothing can touch me.

I see family. I see your big brother, your Papa, and me. The best family that I could have ever hoped and prayed for. Boy, does He answer prayers.

I see health. You're such a vibrant little thing, and your eyes are the most transparent part of you. They let me know when you're feeling 110%, and when you feel so rotten that all you want to do is cuddle up with your mommy and waste the day away.

I see truth. If eyes are windows to the soul, yours sure paint a pretty picture down there. There's no lying with your eyes, they let me know exactly who you are, and what you're all about.

I see love. I never knew just how much I could love another human being until your brother, your Papa, and you, came along. When I look into your eyes, my heart narrowly bursts out of my chest, and I can barely contain my emotions. I love you so much.

Life just wouldn't be complete without you, Ava Layne.

Who am I?

*Disclaimer: I'm all over the place on this post*

Have you ever struggled with who you are? Even as an adult?

I mean, I have a pretty darn good idea who I am. But there are so many facets to me, and to my personality, that I struggle sometimes to find my niche, per se.

I'm a wife, mommy, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and a daughter-in-law. I love:

• Everything to do with Maui (and Hawai'i in general)
• Dancing (and dance shows, movies, etc.)
• Acting (it was my major before I got married to Ryan's father )
• Singing (still sing in the car and to Ava, but not on a big stage like I used to)
• Scuba Diving (only been a handful of times, but I absolutely could live underwater)
• Being a Mommy. (There's nothing like it in the world, and no other job I'd rather have (even though unfortunately I do have a different one)
• Jewelry. I constantly have a "new favorite necklace" that I swear that I will wear everyday, like a heroine in a book series I read where she says she will be "known as the 'girl with the charm bracelet' or the 'girl with the horseshoe necklace', etc." Does anyone really have a signature piece, or is that just in a book? HA.
• Reading. I often find myself lost in a book.
• GOD. He is the center of my life, and every decision I make. Granted, I don't always make the right ones, but he loves me anyways, and that's pretty darn amazing.

And the list goes on and on. It seems as though no matter how many things I love or want to be involved in, I don't partake in any of them. Life just kind of floats by. I mean, sheesh, my daughter is already almost seven months old....how does THAT happen?

I guess my reason for this post is because of the massive amount of soul searching I've done lately. Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Is this God's will for my life? Is He going to, or as He already, taken the gifts that he so generously gave me? (Singing, Dancing, Acting) Is it "use them or lose them"?

There's so many things that I struggle with. My weight being one of the main ones. Sometimes I wonder, "Am I destined to be the 'fat friend' or the 'fat sister' for the rest of my life?" The thing is, before I look in the mirror, I feel like a skinny person trapped in a bigger body. (I suppose this feeling dates back to when I actually WAS a skinny kid. Until Vanderbilt Hospital happened. But that's another story.) Then I look in the mirror, and see this obese woman who is so obviously unhappy with the way she looks and feels. If I can't even feel comfortable in my own body, what makes me think I can comfortable with anything else?

That's another time when I ask myself, "Really, who am I?"

This will be an ongoing, tumultuous journey that won't be wrapped up in a day. I think everyone is so many people wrapped up into one, it's hard to find that balance. All we can do is go with it. And pray. We can't fix ourselves, only He can.

I'll leave you with a verse that was given to me by a dear friend during my pregnancy with Ava:

Philippians 4:6-7


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

The Tooth Fairy's Impending Visit

Yes, you saw that right.

The Tooth Fairy will be coming to my house soon.....Ryan has his first loose tooth.

I found this out last night at my sister Emily's going away dinner at Ruby Tuesday's. So there I am, enjoying seeing my family, and talking to a cooing Ava, when lo and behold, Ryan blurts out, "My tooth hurts!" He comes over to where I'm sitting, and wouldn't you know it, that darn baby tooth wiggled. It wiggled.

As if I didn't have enough to deal with: my sister moving to Hawai'i, the stuff with Ryan's father that I'm dealing with (long story, and NOT for a blog), the comments Ryan has made about my weight, the overtime I've been racking up at work, and having to leave my precious baby all day while I work. I'm already having a hard time seeing Ava grow up, but now this? I pretty much wanted to bawl right there in the restaurant.

How could this be happening? It's a milestone, and one that I am totally unprepared for. Does that mean my son will lose his first tooth as my daughter is cutting her first one?

This is such an exciting time in my kids' lives, but such a sad one in mine...

What? No Way.

Oh. My. Gosh. First grade. How is this possible?!