Raw and Real

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I started today with this verse, because in my reflections, it is God holding me up, not the other way around. 

I have started a new devotional, "Made to Crave: 60 Days to Craving God, Not Food". I realize that as many times as I have lost this weight (or some of it, rather) that's as many times as I have not called on Him to help me. I've done it "on my own". I should know by now that it is not me that good things come from, it is Him. While he let me lose weight and gain confidence, I owed it all to him, and I didn't recognize that. When the temptations crept in and took over, that was all Satan. He wants me to fail in any way I can, and he FEEDS (pun intended) on my insecurities and my lack of faith that I can DO this once and for all. 

It is not easy. In fact, it's the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with.  It's not easy to have to change clothes a minimum of 5 times every morning, just because you think you look fat, or worse, that "everyone will be staring at the fat girl" runs through my head. It's not easy when Satan fills my head with lies: that people don't like me because I'm overweight, that people who are whispering or talking or laughing, are talking, whispering, and laughing at ME. It's not easy when I take comfort in food, instead of Him. Especially when you have to live with yourself afterward, HATING the fact that you just ate what you did.

Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Being a daughter, a friend, a business owner, a teacher, a sister, a colleague, and so on...is HARD.

The difference is that being those things ultimately brings me up. Having this extra weight on me brings me down. Not only literally, but the self deprecating behavior has to stop. That is valuable time that I could be doing His work, and being the best me I can be. 

I want to be around to see my kids grow up. I want to get my scuba certification. I want to buy a swimsuit for the first time in I don't know how many years. I want to wear shorts. I want to not cringe when my son asks me to play and run with him. I want to jump on a trampoline without thinking that I will break it. I want to look forward to getting on an airplane, not worrying about whether the seat belt will fit.

Some of the above are delusions. Delusions that Satan has filled my head with ever since I started gaining weight in middle school due to a medical issue. But they are God's to tear down. And the only way I can get through this is by His side, and with YOUR help. 

Thank you for spending this time with me in this very vulnerable, scary, and raw place. 

The journey begins now...