The One with Finding the Peace

Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.
                                                     Psalms 34:14 


So there's more than once facet of my day to day life that this verse speaks to.

First and most glaringly, my battle with food.  Every single day, I need to remind myself of this. To depart from the evils that are cravings, emotional eating, and things that are just not good for me. To seek peace with the decisions to not eat this or that, and to pursue peace in the form of healthier choices and exercise. I am the QUEEN of excuses, i.e.: I'm tired, My head hurts, I have too much work to do, I need to make dinner and clean the house, etc.  Here's the thing though: if I don't take care of my body, nobody else will.

The evils that I need to depart from are not all related to my physical health. This means things that are not necessarily food or food related.  There are things and people in my life that are not good for me.  Precarious situations that I'm put in that I have to explain to my children, and it's not fair.  At least that's what I tell myself in my personal pity party.  It wasn't fair that Jesus got beaten and nailed to the cross either, but he did it so we would have peace.  And I must go through difficult situations and conversations to have peace.  The thing I struggle with as a mere human being is this: while I know God is in control, I cannot change other people.  Only God can do that.  So I must deal with the evils, and depart from them.  Will they still be there? Of course. Satan is everywhere. But I must try and remove myself from this situations, those things, those people, in order to find peace. At the same time though, I must still pour God's love into everything I do and everyone I meet, in order to truly do His work.  It's not fair for me to otherwise.  All we can do is love others, and hope that someday, something we said or did, will stick.  That God's love and truth will prevail and He will be proud. You can only change your reactions, not others' actions.

So in an effort to do this, I will be conscious about not only the things that go into my mouth, but to my reactions to others and their actions. 

The One with "The Verse"

Matthew 16:24

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

I call this "The Verse" because it has smacked me in the face for the past two days repeatedly.  First, it was in my "Made to Crave" devotional yesterday, where I was reminded that I must deny myself foods that I crave just like the disciples had to deny themselves in order to follow Jesus.  I must deny myself the things that I "think" I need, but really, I don't.  Jesus didn't need jalapeno poppers, Big Macs, or Butterfinger Blizzards, to name a few. So, I don't either.  This is not to say that I will NEVER have anything that I crave, but it shouldn't be put first. God should be put first. 

 Which brings me to today. This verse was in our L.I.F.E. group lesson, too! I am already humbled by the fact that it's Easter and all that it stands for, but as we made our way through the lesson, "The Verse" hit me in another way.  BACKTRACK: Last week, I was convicted to go back to NYC this summer for a mission trip to help The Gallery Church, and touch lives in such a populated area. I have been mulling this over all week: how in the WORLD am I going to afford to go? If Stephen (my husband) goes too, and maybe even Ryan (my son), how am I going to afford it then? Can I raise the money? Can I save enough? FAST FORWARD to TODAY: "The Verse" 

Matthew 16:24 

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

Whoah.  So I should deny myself other things in order to be able to go to NYC? Yes.  I should follow him to NYC no matter if I'm scared about paying for it? Yes.  Jesus' disciples didn't worry about anything, they just WENT.  This goes back to what our priorities should be. God, Spouse, Children, everything and everyone else. I'm not going to lie. It's hard to comprehend this, but it's true.  The older I get and the closer to God that I get, I understand this more and more.  Be warned: you WILL receive flack from family, from friends, from colleagues,  and so on.  Guess what though--we're not answering to those people.  There's only one person we are going to have to answer to. Yep, that's right--God.  One of my L.I.F.E. group leaders says this on numerous occasions: "I don't want to get in front of God one day, thinking I had done everything that pleased God, and then hear him say, 'Well done, child. You lived and followed me well with what you did. But I had this for you to do, I had this path for you to follow."

Can you imagine? Not doing what you were called to do? 

That is why we must deny ourselves. Not just in giving up food cravings we have, but in making things happen that God calls us to do.  I want God to say to me one day, "Well done, child. You did what I called you to do."

  

I'll leave you with that thought, and also a wish for a very Happy Easter for you and your families!

 

 

 

The One with the Cinnamon Roll

"We must obey God rather than human beings!"
                                                 -Acts 5:29


This was the scripture that hit me in the face this morning during my devotional. Instead of doing what "society" tells me to do or be, I need to be doing what God tells me to do or be.  By giving into every craving or food that taunts me, I'm not only giving in to society's thought, "Just one can't hurt you!", but I'm also giving in to Satan.

Take the cinnamon roll. I went to pick up my daughter Ava at my mom's house, where she had spent the night, having a "cousin slumber party" with my niece Maeve.  My mom had made the girls some cinnamon rolls to go along with their eggs and bacon.  I passed those cinnamon rolls on my way in, and even started to pick one up.  I am a sucker for sweets. (And salty food, and diet soda, and well, food in general.) It wasn't on my own strength that I did grab that cinnamon roll (or two or three).  I even said aloud to myself, "No, you don't need that. Put that back." I'm glad no one else was around at that moment, or I would have probably felt really silly.  It helped though. To verbally tell myself no. But as I embark on this spiritual journey of losing weight, I am  fully aware that nothing I do from here on out will be of my own strength.  Why? I'm just not that strong.  My willpower, or self-control if you will, doesn't come from me, it comes from God.  I think humans has proven that we are weak, and can't make good decisions on our own.  That's the whole reason why Eve bit into that fruit.  She was weak.  (And maybe something got lost in translation, and it was a yummy cinnamon roll dangled in front of her.)

All I know is this...eating that cinnamon roll wouldn't have made me happy.  I would have been so mad at myself afterward, like I always am.  Instead, I'm proud of myself, if only for today.  After all, God promises grace... for today.

Raw and Real

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I started today with this verse, because in my reflections, it is God holding me up, not the other way around. 

I have started a new devotional, "Made to Crave: 60 Days to Craving God, Not Food". I realize that as many times as I have lost this weight (or some of it, rather) that's as many times as I have not called on Him to help me. I've done it "on my own". I should know by now that it is not me that good things come from, it is Him. While he let me lose weight and gain confidence, I owed it all to him, and I didn't recognize that. When the temptations crept in and took over, that was all Satan. He wants me to fail in any way I can, and he FEEDS (pun intended) on my insecurities and my lack of faith that I can DO this once and for all. 

It is not easy. In fact, it's the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with.  It's not easy to have to change clothes a minimum of 5 times every morning, just because you think you look fat, or worse, that "everyone will be staring at the fat girl" runs through my head. It's not easy when Satan fills my head with lies: that people don't like me because I'm overweight, that people who are whispering or talking or laughing, are talking, whispering, and laughing at ME. It's not easy when I take comfort in food, instead of Him. Especially when you have to live with yourself afterward, HATING the fact that you just ate what you did.

Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Being a daughter, a friend, a business owner, a teacher, a sister, a colleague, and so on...is HARD.

The difference is that being those things ultimately brings me up. Having this extra weight on me brings me down. Not only literally, but the self deprecating behavior has to stop. That is valuable time that I could be doing His work, and being the best me I can be. 

I want to be around to see my kids grow up. I want to get my scuba certification. I want to buy a swimsuit for the first time in I don't know how many years. I want to wear shorts. I want to not cringe when my son asks me to play and run with him. I want to jump on a trampoline without thinking that I will break it. I want to look forward to getting on an airplane, not worrying about whether the seat belt will fit.

Some of the above are delusions. Delusions that Satan has filled my head with ever since I started gaining weight in middle school due to a medical issue. But they are God's to tear down. And the only way I can get through this is by His side, and with YOUR help. 

Thank you for spending this time with me in this very vulnerable, scary, and raw place. 

The journey begins now...